" I know, I need to move," said the lovely Amelia, aged 85, alone, frail and living in a run down house with multiple levels and too much clutter. "But I just have to go through a few papers first. My friend is helping me" She glanced at the huge pile of dusty papers that had obviously been sitting on her coffee table for months.

Amelia had been referred to me by the Director of a beautiful assisted living community that was holding a sunny, garden view apartment just for her. Was she ready to finally move in? They couldn't hold the apartment much longer.

We talked about her loneliness and boredom,and how much she was looking forward to being around people again. Amelia loved to talk and despite her frailty, was smart and funny and had interesting stories to tell. Now, widowed, no family or children, most of her friends also dead, her only connection to the outside world was her television and a life alert style necklace, which instead of being around her neck, she had tied, dangling to her walker. Even though I objected and suggested it go around her neck, she insisted on keeping it right where it was.

The house was dark, dirty and cluttered. Too many electrical cords,too much furniture. Amelia's TV watching chair was broken and missing the back cushion. The family room stepped down and the kitchen stepped up. The bathtub had no grab bars. I saw danger everywhere.

As a Senior Move Manager, it is my greatest pleasure to help seniors get to safer living and re connect with the world. I held both of Amelia's hands in mine, looked into her eyes and said, "Amelia, Let's get you to a safe place first and we can go through all your paperwork later. We'll take it with us. I'll help you sort it all out. This is an unsafe place for you. We can start immediately. I promise you'll love your new apartment. "I know", said Amelia. "I'll call you soon."

Amelia never called. Instead, the Director of the Assisted Living community called to tell me that Amelia had had an accident in her home. A "friend" had propped Amelia's TV chair on four bricks to make it easier for her to launch herself forward to get up. She and the chair came tumblin"I'm taking 22 pills a day", said my elderly client proudly. That immediately raised a red flag with me. According to a recent study by the Toronto Star, the average 65 yr old takes 5 pills per day and only 12% take more than 10 pills a day.

So what were all these pills for? My client couldn't answer that simple question. She also indicated that even though she felt sleepy and sluggish all of the time she didn't want to question her doctor as he might "get mad". Four different doctors had prescribed these medications and she figured,her primary care physican wouldn't go against another doctors orders. That's very typical among the Greatest Generation. They were trained to do what they are told and not question authority.

Consulting with colleagues, I learned that many Seniors are taking too many meds. It is called is a growing problem that even has a name: Polypharmacy While one might assume that all the doctors actually shared patient information, they do not. Yes, all informaton should be in the collective files. Don't assume that is true. Even if it is true, most doctors don't read their patient's files, beyond scanning the first page. So in fact, 4 different doctors can be treating the same person and haven't the faintest idea what the other one is doing.

The results are frightening. Senior patients in particular are often taking old meds along with newly prescribed meds, not remembering or realizing that one is replacing the other. Pharmacists should be noticing this, but sadly they often do not - or the patient is filling prescriptions at more than one location and the information is not being shared between networks. The patient is trusting and nobody is watching!

Doubling up on meds and perhaps also taking meds that are contraindicated or even adversely react with one another is a very real possibility. That's a recipe for disaster, bleeding in the stomach or other complications, including death are real dangers. An overly drugged senior is also more apt to suffer falls.

So what, as a concerned family member,can you do? Check how many meds are being taken by your senior relative. Ignore your beloved seniors reluctance to "challenge the doctor" and insist upon what is called a "brown bag review". Get a 'brown paper bag" and collect each and every prescriptioSitting hunched over in his recliner chair, wearing oxygen tubes in his nose, John declared that he and his 89 yr old wife were just fine and they could take care of themselves, thank you very much. He was a real curmudgeon, although I expected that behind the facade of a grumpy old man, was a very nice person who was just scared to death and mad as hell at being old and sick.

One of the first questions I asked was, did they have children,and if so, where were they and would they help with the move to Assisted Living? They both replied, almost in unison, that their kids were not interested in helping in any way whatsoever. That shocked and saddened me, if that were really true. However, being in the Senior Move Management business, I have learned that there are two sides to every story.

Dynamics in families are often, if not always complicated. Elder parents, while seeming frail and helpless and also quite sweet and cuddly, can be altogether different when they are with their kids. While I see a good proportion of disinterested adult children, what I mostly see is families torn apart by denial, anger and a lot of hurt feelings. Parents know where all of their kids button are, and, as they get older, like to push them more often. Sometimes, for seniors, its just plain fun to be in the middle of family drama! Sometimes they are in denial that they need help or have some dementia. Sometimes, it is because there are unresolved hurts and resentments that suddenly surface in this new crisis.

In this particular case, the kids were actually very nice people and very concerned. The problem was that Dad was very stubborn and combative and wanted to remain in control. Mom, also very frail and ill, was very passive and just let her husband have his way to avoid being yelled at- even though he yelled at her anyway. The kids were afraid of him too. Every time they offered help, they had been rebuked, often with harsh words of criticism. So the kids,frustrated at every turn, backed off and waited until it was almost too late and their help would be unavoidable.

So,knowing all of this and seeing it often, here's some insight into the problem that I hope will help you Boomer Kids feel better.

1. Understand your parents point of view. They have lost control of their lives. They really feel uncomfortable with the role reversal - you becoming the protective parent, they the helpless children. Ask them what a solution would look like to them rather than telling them what you think they should do. That often changes the dialog to positive and puts the responsibility back on them. Remember, that's what they want!

2. They have few options left and the one thing they can still do is say NO - just because they can and often even before you've finished asking the question! When they do this, say, OK, well, I'm worried about you. How can I help?

3. Even if they seem totally lucid, there may be some dementia involved -perhaps not enough to get conservancy but still enough to slow down any process that needs doing. Frustrated kids tell me that Mom or Dad can muster up enough lucidity to fool their doctor only to become completely confused again in the parking lot! Murphpy's Law. Consider not sharing every bit of information with them and possibly giving out information on a "need to know" basis. Seniors listen through a different filter and may be sent into an emotional tailspin over something seemingly trivial. Don't feel bad about your little omissions. Your goal is to keep them safe, in spite of themselves.

4. Don't let one stubborn parent refuse help to the detriment of the other parent. Sometimes it is the caregiver spouse, in seeming good health, who suddenly dies while caring for the other spouse. Sometimes they just don't want to face the truth. Appeal to the stubborn person's "love" of their partner. If that doesn't work, feel confident that safety comes first and do what you have to do, despite their objections. You may have to ignore the rants of one parent to protect the other. Be prepared to be strong in this regard.

5. It is OK for you to feel uncomfortable in your new reversed role as parent to your parent. No other generation has ever been faced with this problem on this magnitude. You are inventing a new business model for taking care of Seniors in the 21st century. Your own kids will bless you for this and will know how to take care of you!

6. It is OK to also feel sad at losing your childhood home when your parents move into smaller digs. It's a rite of passage for you too. Don't underestimate the importance of that.

7. Don't take their mean words personally. Try to remember that a lot of what your parents might say to you is flavored by fear as well as some dementia. You always hurt the ones you love. They feel safe with you in speaking their minds. Be flattered, not hurt.

8. Know that there are professionals, such as Senior Move Managers, who deal with seniors on a regular basis and truly understand your point of view. They can be a great source, not only of information but also comfort. They understand. They have seen it many times before and you are not alone.

9. If you are struggling with family secrets or unresolved issues that are just surfacing now - childhood abuse, neglect, etc., don't be afraid to get professional help to sort those feelings out. It may be too late for you to clear the air with your parents but you deserve to put that all finally at rest and move on with your lives too.

10. Know that your parents didn't come with an instruction manual, no more than you did. Do your best, with love and compassion and a clear conscience.If they object, you know it is time to find another doctor.

As medical care becomes more and more automated, the human touch is ever so more needed. This is not the time to relax and trust that your beloved senior is getting the best care. Be ever vigilant and check to make sure that their medications are correct and that no harm is being done. That is the least we owe the Greatest Generation. the floor for 2 days before being discovered. Now in a nursing home, on oxygen, she was not expected to live. She would not be needing my services.

I hung up the phone and put my head in my hands. I thought back to my visit with this darling lady. She told me she had courageously traveled alone by train from New York all the way West during WWII, meeting her beloved husband Mike at a USO dance and making a life for herself in California, I wanted to cry. Oh, Amelia, you left it too late and now you are dying. I am so sad and so mad at you too!

This story is all too common and heartbreaking. I know it is hard to leave one's home, but delaying the important decision to move may result in having all decisions taken from you.This is what happened to Amelia. Now her sunny, garden view apartment would be going to someone else - someone who hadn't left it too late.

If you have a beloved senior that needs to move, but is delaying it "until", tell them Amelia's story, please. I'm really sad and tired of this story.